Ignorance IS bliss

In trying to make everyone happy, I end up being the person who upsets everyone. By everyone, I mean  my parents.

In my sometimes crazy and dysfunctional family, I am often seen as the problem. Now as a parent myself, I think I can safely say that it's not my fault, but my own parent's fault at the way I was brought up. My parents are both control freaks. They have OCD and neurotic behaviour. This wasn't a problem for me when I was growing up as child, because as a child, you don't see these things, but these things have certainly affected me as an adult.
However, I also realise that with age, people tend to become less tolerant of others, and I think this is probably what is happening here. I am less tolerant of my parents now than when I was younger, and they are also less tolerant of me as I get older.

In particular, was never taught to make decisions because my parents didn't give me enough guidance.
I was not taught how to deal with difficult situations. I felt safe, comfortable, well fed, well educated and all the physical needs provided for, but the emotional, development was lacking. I ended up feeling shy, inferior, having little confidence in myself to achieve, and on the whole, a massive inconvenience.  None of it intentional, but nonetheless, it has had a great effect in shaping the person I am today. I was brought up with my sister in military style, the problem with this is that we were not soldiers, we were children. And kids will be kids.
When I think back to my childhood, it was a happy place, safe and comfortable and I had everything a child could ever could wish for; toys, games, birthday parties, you name it.
I feel I was not exposed to the real world, I was overprotected. I think this oppressed me and made me want to break free, to escape. This has meant I have made decisions on my own, irrationally, without my parents' advice. Things that are regrettable. I can only hope I don't do the same to my own children but I hope that having this awareness will prevent this.

So the lesson I've learnt from these experiences is that you should ignore things that don't please you or irritate you or annoy you or that you don't agree with. If I challenge things, its me who ends up being in the wrong and no good ever comes out of it. So why do it?

My husband says one of my major faults is that I cannot let things go. Is that supposed to be a bad thing or a good thing? If I see something wrong, I can't let it go and I always have to speak up about it. This then creates an unneccessary commotion and I either upset someone or someone upsets me. The way my family have dealt with things is by saying nothing and doing nothing. Surely burying your head in the sand just for the sake of keeping the peace is wrong? Well even if it is, I am now going to do the same. I just want to keep the peace at the end of the day, month and year. It's got to the point where, even when I am not challenging anything, even when I'm just trying to have a social conversation, even when just trying to make small talk, my parents still think I am stirring up trouble and I either get my head bitten off or I'm walking on eggshells. It really shouldn't be this way.

It has occurred to me that this may be a common problem in families with adult children, particularly with my generation (born in the late 70's) and its parents. Nonetheless, I am determined to make sure that my children are confident and can turn to us as parents without fear. I am keen to make a disctinction between being a parent an being a friend. I acknowledge that parents will never be at the same level as their children, I want to be involved in things, but not everything.
And everything my children say and do are a reflection of me. I have seen it already. I have seen so much of myself in my daughter, and it scares me and makes me beam with pride at the same time!

Coincidentally, while researching the toddler issue of potty training, I came across a website called bratbusters where there is a parenting coach that you can access to help you become a better parent. It made me smile to see that there are people out there who take their parenting role very seriously. But I won't be using their services just yet! I'm still hoping my own parents can guide me when I need it.