Ignorance IS bliss

In trying to make everyone happy, I end up being the person who upsets everyone. By everyone, I mean  my parents.

In my sometimes crazy and dysfunctional family, I am often seen as the problem. Now as a parent myself, I think I can safely say that it's not my fault, but my own parent's fault at the way I was brought up. My parents are both control freaks. They have OCD and neurotic behaviour. This wasn't a problem for me when I was growing up as child, because as a child, you don't see these things, but these things have certainly affected me as an adult.
However, I also realise that with age, people tend to become less tolerant of others, and I think this is probably what is happening here. I am less tolerant of my parents now than when I was younger, and they are also less tolerant of me as I get older.

In particular, was never taught to make decisions because my parents didn't give me enough guidance.
I was not taught how to deal with difficult situations. I felt safe, comfortable, well fed, well educated and all the physical needs provided for, but the emotional, development was lacking. I ended up feeling shy, inferior, having little confidence in myself to achieve, and on the whole, a massive inconvenience.  None of it intentional, but nonetheless, it has had a great effect in shaping the person I am today. I was brought up with my sister in military style, the problem with this is that we were not soldiers, we were children. And kids will be kids.
When I think back to my childhood, it was a happy place, safe and comfortable and I had everything a child could ever could wish for; toys, games, birthday parties, you name it.
I feel I was not exposed to the real world, I was overprotected. I think this oppressed me and made me want to break free, to escape. This has meant I have made decisions on my own, irrationally, without my parents' advice. Things that are regrettable. I can only hope I don't do the same to my own children but I hope that having this awareness will prevent this.

So the lesson I've learnt from these experiences is that you should ignore things that don't please you or irritate you or annoy you or that you don't agree with. If I challenge things, its me who ends up being in the wrong and no good ever comes out of it. So why do it?

My husband says one of my major faults is that I cannot let things go. Is that supposed to be a bad thing or a good thing? If I see something wrong, I can't let it go and I always have to speak up about it. This then creates an unneccessary commotion and I either upset someone or someone upsets me. The way my family have dealt with things is by saying nothing and doing nothing. Surely burying your head in the sand just for the sake of keeping the peace is wrong? Well even if it is, I am now going to do the same. I just want to keep the peace at the end of the day, month and year. It's got to the point where, even when I am not challenging anything, even when I'm just trying to have a social conversation, even when just trying to make small talk, my parents still think I am stirring up trouble and I either get my head bitten off or I'm walking on eggshells. It really shouldn't be this way.

It has occurred to me that this may be a common problem in families with adult children, particularly with my generation (born in the late 70's) and its parents. Nonetheless, I am determined to make sure that my children are confident and can turn to us as parents without fear. I am keen to make a disctinction between being a parent an being a friend. I acknowledge that parents will never be at the same level as their children, I want to be involved in things, but not everything.
And everything my children say and do are a reflection of me. I have seen it already. I have seen so much of myself in my daughter, and it scares me and makes me beam with pride at the same time!

Coincidentally, while researching the toddler issue of potty training, I came across a website called bratbusters where there is a parenting coach that you can access to help you become a better parent. It made me smile to see that there are people out there who take their parenting role very seriously. But I won't be using their services just yet! I'm still hoping my own parents can guide me when I need it.

Warning: Not for vegetarians

This year I spent Ramadan in the Arab Emirates, something which I have not done for many years since I moved back to the UK in 1995. Ramadan in the Middle East is a very cultural experience as it affects everyone, both muslims and non-muslims. The working day is shortened and the people become nocturnal, the cities restaurants, markets, gyms and shopping malls coming to life at night, after Iftar. There are  Ramadan tents erected for the Iftar meal and remain open till the early hours for shisha pipe, special Ramadan sweets and drinks and snacks.

During Ramadan, my children and I spent the majority of the daytime at home, and I spent time trying out new ingredients and recipes in the kitchen. I got a lot of recipes from a famous Arab TV cook called Manal Al Alam and I used to spend an hour each day watching her cooking a 4 course Iftar meal and jotting down the ingredients and cooking methods. She would make a starter, main course, a Ramadan dessert and a cold fruit or vegetable drink of some sort. I stuck to starters and main courses, as arabic sweets tend to contain a large amount of ghee, buttermilk, sugar, and deep fat frying as well as being very complicated and time consuming to prepare. Maybe in another life.

I also went to an Islamic slaughterhouse to observe the Muslim ritual slaughter of a kid goat. This is the first time I have seen this in my life and it was an eye opening experience considering that the only meat I have seen is in neatly cut pieces in neat packages at the butcher's and I have never seen the actual living animal before becoming Halal meat. 

During the celebration of Eid, Muslims remember and commemorate the trials and triumphs of the prophet Abraham by slaughtering an animal such as a sheep, camel or goat. The meat from the sacrifice  is mostly given away to others. Some is eaten by immediate family, some given away to relatives and friends, but mostly it is donated to the poor. This act symbolises our willingness to make sacrifices give up things that are of benefit to us in order to help those in need.

The slaughter has to be done with one forward and backward stroke of the knife. The slaughterer must be a sane Muslim and must perform the slaughter in the name of Allah. The throat, windpipe and both jugular veins must be cut, but the spinal cord must not be cut. An animal killed in this way does not suffer if the cut is made quickly and cleanly enough, because the animal loses consciousness before the brain can perceive any pain. This method also causes maximum and rapid blood loss which is safer and healthier. After the blood has been drained, the head is removed and the animal is skinned, this was done so skilfully, it was as if a coat was being removed from the body. Next the animal is gutted, and the internal organs are removed, some of these are also consumed such as the liver and kidneys.
Finally, the animal is ready to be cut into parts as required by the customer. The whole process takes about 20 minutes and is performed in a large sterile warehouse in a production line manner with around a dozen slaughterers working side by side. There was a viewing window for those who wish to watch.
I was impressed with how sterile the whole place was, with dedicated staff to hose the floor, and take away unwanted animal parts such as the skin and guts. The slaughterers' aprons, knives and boots were constantly hosed down, and you would rarely see blood as the flow was pouring out into a drainage system which has been specially built into the floor. It could even be described as clinical, it reminded me of an operating theatre in a hospital. I was actually quite impressed with it all and I can now say I have witnessed what Halal meat actually means.

From sun and sand to rain and clouds....welcome home

Last night, we returned from our 8 week summer holiday, all 8 weeks of which was planned two days before we actually went away. I am a planner, I love to make plans in advance and love to have everything planned out to the hour. In fact, this rarely happens, especially when it comes to family holidays, and I have now adapted and trying to enjoy to making last minute plans. With small children, you should always have a plan, and a back up plan. One of the biggest lessons I learnt about having children is: ALWAYS have a back up plan. Even if you don't have an original plan in the first place, but always, always ALWAYS have a back up plan.
Our flight was great. I actually managed to watch 4 films back to back! With a 4 year old child and a 2 year old toddler this is some achievement! I saw Wrecked (mysterious and with no closure), Something Borrowed (unoriginal and predictable), Midnight in Paris (fantastic) and almost all of Beautiful Boy (not enough depth of characters) The children watched Toy Story, Rio, Barney and Wall-E. With husband.
Arrival was not so great, queues were massive, baggage was very late and the airline lost our buggy.
It was strangely comforting to come home. I am the sort of person whose moods reflect the weather and leaving the hot sun and warm beaches behind and coming home to grey skies and gloomy rain can depress me for weeks. I usually dread the transition from holiday mode to the reality of the daily grind and it can take me up to 2 weeks to reacclimatise. I think the length of the holiday makes the difference. Also the fact that R is due to start Reception next week and we are all excited about it. I am probably more nervous than her, and I can't wait to see her in her uniform, a moment which I anticipate will be a major tearjerker. For me, that is.
By the time we collected the baggage, reported the missing buggy and came home, the children were extremely sleepy and tired with jetlag. But when they came home, a smile of recognition spread across their lips and their faces lit up at rediscovering all their toys, their bedrooms and their favourite things. They wanted to play with everything all at the same time, K opened all his favourite toys and within 5 minutes the living room floor looked as though it had been occupied for days. R got her kick from cutting and sticking bits of coloured paper. Home sweet home.
This morning it was lovely to wake up and have my grocery shopping delivered to my kitchen. Then I had my cleaner arrive and clean my whole house, including the inside of the fridge. The kitchen is back in action.

My Wishlists - in progess

My Places To Go List:  
Italy - everywhere!
Morocco - Casablanca and Marrakesh
Thailand and Malaysia
Ancient civilisation cruise including:
Turkey and Greece
Luxor in Egypt
Petra in Jordan
Cordoba in Spain

My Gravy List:
Diptyique candles
Miller Harris cologne
Kindle 3G
The highest possible thread count bed linen
Kitchenaid food processor
Chanel handbag
Louboutin shoes
Creme de la Mer
A name necklace
Turkish hammam

My Achieve List:
Write a book on parenting
Grow my own fruit and veg
Re-write my cookbook
Become a food critic

A Few of My Favourite Things:
Weddings - any kind of wedding, I love the ceremony of hope and glamour
Fresh flowers
Facials
Crisp white bed linen


Guilty Pleasures:
Listening to my Backstreet Boys, Blue or Bon Jovi CDs when no-one else is around
A sneaky cigarette
Cerelac, unmixed, straight from the tin!

Belated Blogging and the 7 Year Itch

I am currently on an extended holiday of 8 weeks. However, this has meant that I have neglected my blog. I have thought them out in my head but have not managed to get them onto the laptop. And today is the first chance I've had to sit down to transmit some of my ''brain logs'' into ''web logs''. And at the same time, I have just found some drafts blogs which I never published! So I have now published them but they are not chronological! So that's blog learning point number 1; check that the blog is published after it's written. Number 2, I need to learn to learn to remote or mobile blog from my iPhone.
My holiday blog is one that needs a blog of its own in the past tense but at the rate I'm going, that might happen in another life! But I'm determined to keep this one going, so I've made myself a blog goal of 500 words per day and include my holiday in it because there was a fair bit of kids in the kitchen so let's see what happens.
Now that I'm back to the present tense, I will make a point of announcing that today is my 7 year marriage anniversary, and my husband is all alone in England while I am in Abu Dhabi. He has already called me twice today. I laugh that I used to worry about the 7 year milestone, because of the 7 Year Itch. Apparantly the Seven Year Itch is the male urge for infidelity that began after 7 years of marriage. But then I realised that it is completely fictional and was created for the Marilyn Monroe movie of the same name so I have nothing to worry about. Besides, he is coming to join me and the children for our last 10 days of holiday, after 6 weeks apart, combined with celebrating Eid and our anniversary, our daughter's 4th birthday and our son's 2nd birthday, so the anticipation is really exciting!

Ode to Narge

I recently read a very interesting article about the different personas we adopt at work which may be totally different to how we are with our friends or family. It was a very interesting article and I could immediately see how it applied to me.
For example, as a manager of 23 staff, the first word that each one of them would describe me as is calm. Next comes patient, compassionate, diplomatic, helpful, professional and knowledgable.
Would any member of my immediate or extended family use any of these words to describe me? I don't think so!! I imagine I would get these responses; argumentative, forceful, aggressive, indecisive and stubborn. Quite different but very strongly different words are used to describe the same person. Isn't life strange, or is it me?
I started to think into this more deeply...does working make me a better mum, or indeed a better person? I know that work colleagues will only describe their manager using positive words, but I must also point out that family members use negative words. However, two opposing words can be used to describe the same characteristic....stubborn can be seen as determined or persistent, and diplomatic can be seen as being indecisive. So is this a good thing or not?
As for being a working mum I still feel pangs of guilt, yes even after 4 years, but would I have it any other way? I'm counting on the fact that working shows my children the value of money. Hopefully, they will understand that you can't get what you want just like that and they learn to appreciate their possessions more. Time will tell

Scrummy Mummy to Yummy Mummy, and back again

My parents arrived yesterday and the first thing I did was go to get my hair done. I enjoyed reading all of next month's editions of the major magazines and drinking coffee while I had my hair coloured, washed, cut and blow dried. While having my hair washed, I had a massage! And I love the result. I coloured it black all over, cut it to shoulder length and also, I did something I've never done before, I cut a short side fringe. Loving it. Next on my list, manicure, pedicure and waxing.

The relationship between grandparent and grandchild is so amazing to see. It's unique and not like any other relationship. The missing generation (parent of the grandchild and child of the grandparent) doesn't have much use. I am just a regulatory control, I do the regulatory things. Drop off and collect from school, take to toilet, change nappy, wash hands, feed breakfast, change clothes, put to bed, dress, undress, brush teeth, comb hair, I'm the boring worker. Have so much work to do. Sorting the laundry. Making beds. A hundred errands. Post office, buy wrapping paper, sign up for pre-school.

So I prioritised my things to do to myself and got the hair done. Tick off the list. Next, the mani pedi, but never got round to it. I had to go with the husband to choose a shirt and cravat for my brother's engagement party. Hopefully I'll manage to fit them in somewhere. But it seems like so much of another errand this way, another thing to tick off the list of things to do...and yet this is supposed to be ''my time'', something which is just for me to give me pleasure. Instead it's like another ''To do'' item!
It's not fair!